Where’d I Put My Blaster?

When my husband travels for work, I have a tendency to watch way more television than normal.  Well, I say television, but what I mean is movies.  (We haven’t had cable for eighteen years and we don’t miss it.)

We own far more many movies than is probably healthy for us, and we watch our way through them all from time to time, but I have favorites I return to over and over, the ‘old friends’ I mentioned in an earlier post.  And I must confess that one of the reasons these movies have become favorites is because I yearn to be one of the established characters.

Who?  Funny you should ask…

Ripley from the “Alien” franchise.  Tall, smart, lean as an alley cat and armed with more firepower than the Death Star.  Facing off against the bad guys, what woman wouldn’t want to be her?

Velma Kelly, the sexy femme fatale of “Chicago.”  Smart (a recurring theme; I like female characters with brains), sassy, brassy and bold, Velma’s a delightful good girl gone bad.  (If only I could sing and dance in reality as well as I do in my head.)

Although Conan’s love interest went unnamed in the movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, anyone who gave a damn (and there were a lot of us) soon learned she was called “Valeria.”  I had this picture on my refrigerator for months to serve as inspiration.  (I’m still working on getting that buff.)

 I’m not sure I really want to be Elizabeth I so much as I would love to look like Cate Blanchett.   Still I do love the scene when she declares “I shall have one mistress here, and no master!”  (Actually, if I had to choose a character to play in that movie, it would be…

 Walsingham.  No, I do not have gender issues.  We may be in the 21st century, but men still get the really plum roles.

 Though I’m more like Idgy Threadgood (on the left, “Fried Green Tomatoes”), it’s Ruth I’d prefer to emulate.  She’s a class act all around.  I wish I had half her poise and good sense.

Leeloo from “The Fifth Element.”  Who wouldn’t want to be this adorable?  Plus, she’s the ultimate weapon against galactic evil.  Sounds good to me.

Hellboy is my true alter-ego.  Just your regular blue-collar monster.  “Oh, crap.”

 Forget Tom Cruise.  Give me Ujio the Japanese God of War any day of the week.  (Okay, yes, we’re seeing a trend here.  Obviously I have a not-so-secret desire to kick serious ass in the classiest way possible.  Does it get any better than Hiroyuki Senada?)

  Eleanor of Aquitaine  (Katharine Hepburn in “The Lion in Winter.”)  This gets my vote not just because of Eleanor’s character, but because she has some of the best dialogue ever written.

She’s beautiful and she rolls a mean game.  (Baby Bowler from “Mystery Men”)

Guenevere Pettigrew (“Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day.”)  A totally classy woman entirely certain of who she is.  If I live long enough, maybe I’ll get there.

Elizabeth Imbrie (“Philadelphia Story.”)  She and C.K. Dexter Haven (Cary Grant) got most of the great lines.  And let’s not forget…

the irrepressible Dinah Lord, from the same film.  No one has sung “Lydia the Tattooed Lady” this well since Groucho.

Okay, so Marianne Dashwood is a bit of a twit (at least until she gets smart enough to fall for Colonel Brandon), but isn’t she lovely?  Give a choice, however, I’d probably opt for her sister

 Margaret, because she climbs trees, loves travel, and will probably one day rule the world.

‘Nuff said.  Whether she’s taking our favorite secret agent to task in the James Bond films or pissing on her brothers ashes in “Shipping News,” no one does it better.

Last, but definitely not least….

Sarah Connor from “Terminator.”  Oh, yeah…..

So tell me…late at night when you’re engrossed in a film, who is it YOU want to be?



About Melissa Crandall

Longer ago than I care to admit--although I will--I cut my writing teeth on fanzines and media tie-in novels. Since then, I've moved on to narrative nonfiction, speculative fiction, and essays. I write to explore and understand the world around me, the things I see and experience nearby or from a distance. If I shake myself up, cool. If I shake you up, even better. Not gratuitously--what's the point in that?--but to set what I know, or think I know, on end and realize, "Well, doesn't it look different from this side!" My work is neither sexually explicit nor graphically violent. Let's face it - your imaginations will come up with things far worse than anything I could write, no matter how descriptive. Besides, it's just not my thing. I live in Connecticut with my supportive husband Ed, a cat named Ruby who might just think she's a dog, and an epileptic Australian shepherd named Holly who isn't quite certain anymore who she is, except she knows she loves her mommy.
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One Response to Where’d I Put My Blaster?

  1. John says:

    I’ll have to think about this. While I do I’ll think about Sarah Connor. 😉

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