No One Said It Would Be Easy…

…but somehow I didn’t expect it to be so hard.  I didn’t anticipate the way grief and frustration and fear sneak up on me at the strangest moments (usually when I’m out in public, strolling the grocery aisles for instance, when the last thing I want to do is burst into tears).

I spent two hours yesterday signing away my mother’s life.  In a little over a week, she’ll move from rehab to her new home, a local assisted living place with a memory care unit, where she’ll remain until her money runs out, at which point we’ll file for Medicaid and have to move her again because this facility (like most of these for-profit places) don’t accept Medicaid.    

I pray to God that she’s either dead long before then, or so deep into dementia that she doesn’t know what’s happening.  I’ll know, though….and it’s coming to terms with that which is spinning my head.

Yes, I know I’m getting way ahead of myself, borrowing trouble as a friend of mine would put it.  It’s hard not to.  I way to ferret out every bump in the road, every possible problem, every suspected horror.  I can’t…I know I can’t…but that doesn’t keep me from trying.



About Melissa Crandall

Longer ago than I care to admit--although I will--I cut my writing teeth on fanzines and media tie-in novels. Since then, I've moved on to narrative nonfiction, speculative fiction, and essays. I write to explore and understand the world around me, the things I see and experience nearby or from a distance. If I shake myself up, cool. If I shake you up, even better. Not gratuitously--what's the point in that?--but to set what I know, or think I know, on end and realize, "Well, doesn't it look different from this side!" My work is neither sexually explicit nor graphically violent. Let's face it - your imaginations will come up with things far worse than anything I could write, no matter how descriptive. Besides, it's just not my thing. I live in Connecticut with my supportive husband Ed, a cat named Ruby who might just think she's a dog, and an epileptic Australian shepherd named Holly who isn't quite certain anymore who she is, except she knows she loves her mommy.
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One Response to No One Said It Would Be Easy…

  1. Lara says:

    ((HUG)) You are doing your very best, and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

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